I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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