i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
