I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
