You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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