So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
How many fucks given?
0.12846
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
