Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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