a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
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Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
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First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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