I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
