Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
