Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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