Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
