R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
