I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
