I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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