a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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