Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
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was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I party with great urgency now.
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