if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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