id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
soo... how was my night?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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