Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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