shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
