I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
love makes seman taste better
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
