Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
