My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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