so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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