Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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