i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I still have a little drunk in my system
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
