when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
