Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
