So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
