i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
