Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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