Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
