Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
It's Friday. Sex?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
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