just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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