i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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