I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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