he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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