He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
