My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I look better un-naked...
sarcasm needs its own font
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Randomize
