don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
