So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I think i got beer on your cat.
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