we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
