just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
