I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
