We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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