i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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