Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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