Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
