Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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