Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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