you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
