I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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