Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
