I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
