He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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