If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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