I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
