My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
